Inbox the Second

[guylining]

▶ VIDEO ✆ AUDIO ✎ TEXT

Inbox the First

Comments

[guylining]

thanks for being real

i love you.
whatever you're thinking i want to hear it. always.

[fireshow]

next month it's been 2 years since i showed up here

[guylining]

yeah. long time

how you feeling about that

[fireshow]

i don't know
lots of people come and go
i still miss alec

[guylining]

yeah.

i don't think that ever really goes away
not when you love someone, and it's real, and it's not like. it ended or you broke up or something

[fireshow]

just surprised i'm still here

[guylining]

i'm sorry you're still trapped here

i'm also sorry that i'm glad you're still with me too

[fireshow]

part of me thinks it doesn't matter much
when you have a bunch of others here

[guylining]

it does

does me and caliban being here mean that you don't miss alec?

[fireshow]

it’s different
alec was a lot of firsts for me

[guylining]

so if i left you wouldn't mind cause you'd still have caliban? or vice versa

[fireshow]

i’d just do what i always do
try to not feel anything about it

[guylining]

well. then i'm just not like you, when people i love disappear it's really hard for me to deal with

loving other people doesn't make me love you any less

it'd matter if you were gone
just like it matters that nick's gone now
it hurts

[fireshow]

i don’t want it to hurt
for me
for you

[guylining]

it's supposed to
it's the only thing that's left when they're gone, i don't want to lose that too

[fireshow]

it’s just too much sometimes

[guylining]

i know

that's why i did all those drugs when i was young

[fireshow]

part of me doesn’t want this
just wants to fuck and not care
but other times i don’t mind
i just get into moods about it
i don’t know

[guylining]

getting into moods is valid, like i genuinely don't think you should push that away

[fireshow]

i'll just push you away then
caliban knows firsthand how much i do that to him
i don't mean to
not really
in the moment maybe i need it
to an extent
but i just can't stop
like i want to sabotage myself and what i have

[guylining]

but you can't sabotage me

you can push me and i'll wait till you're ready and then you can come back and i'll be right there

i know you

i love you

it's not going to change, john

[fireshow]

but i don't like it
being like that
even if i accept that's how i can be
i still feel bad after

maybe if i had something to keep me grounded
keep me from spiraling too much

[guylining]

what do you think would do that?

[fireshow]

i don't know
i thought maybe if i could feel what caliban feels for me
so i can know it's real
and not listen to the shit some part of me is saying

[guylining]

it can be done

there's risks, though.