Inbox the Second

[guylining]

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Inbox the First

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[guylining]

because he thinks ragnor and nick are unlimited wells of magic, and i'm not

have i mentioned that i don't want to talk about this, because i really don't want to talk about it

[chrisisofaith]

you haven't mentioned it no
you don't have to talk about it with me, but you ought to with someone or it'll linger
it's clearly already a sore spot

i don't know if you're an unlimited well of magic or not, i don't think it's even about that, that's just the hurt you're attaching to cause it's easier

[guylining]

no you don't understand

i'm tired

i don't want to have that conversation, i don't want to try and argue with someone to prove how powerful i am compared to other people
what's the point?
it doesn't matter, i'll just do what i do.

[chrisisofaith]

maybe i don't understand, you're right
i don't understand why this is a question, just split who takes care of what plants

just tell oli you still love him that's all he wants
you're all hurting, you might be less tired if you leaned on each other more

[guylining]

keeping the plants going isn't a problem, though. i don't know why oli thinks it will be, like that's what i'm saying. i don't know why he thinks i can't, i don't know why i have to prove myself

and i do love him
but he left me to be with ragnor, and then he's convinced i'm not as strong as ragnor, and ok i get it, clearly i'm not as good as ragnor, or nick or pierce or whoever else he thinks is better than me

i just don't want to feel like that rn
that's all

[chrisisofaith]

[Ah...]

you don't have to prove yourself.
and just cause oliver took up with ragnor doesn't mean he thinks you're less of anything.

don't compare yourself to pierce either, he was in oliver's heart first. that's always going to be a little different

no one thinks you're worse than anyone else, love, you're making assumptions on his intent.

[guylining]

i'm really not
he literally compared me to them
with words
it's not an assumption

and it's not accurate. i don't know why he thinks i don't have the power for this, but i do. it isn't something i'm used to having to defend, and i don't want to be the person who goes around explaining how powerful they are
so i'm not going to. i'm just leaving it.

[chrisisofaith]

that's not all i meant

i mean good, you shouldn't have to. i'm sorry he said that cause i'd love to know what measurement stick he's using for it to know

i meant comparing your place in his life to those other people too

[guylining]

yeah, well. me too.

it's whatever.

what did he want you to tell me

[chrisisofaith]

it's clearly not

i don't think he wanted me to tell you anything in particular. he said that he didn't want to upset you, he just didn't want you getting hurt

he's also well aware that you think he was calling you weak and lesser than ragnor

[guylining]

well
he did upset me, it's a bit late for that

but i'm not gonna hold it against him, i'll get over it

[chrisisofaith]

for fucks sake nate

[guylining]

what, what else do you want me to say?

[chrisisofaith]

that you'll actually try dealing with anything or talking to people or doing anything other than letting things fester

OR

worse expecting you should just 'be over something' in time like ignoring a broken finger. yeah it'll heal, but probably badly

do you know how many times i've gotten 'whatever' or 'its fine' or 'i'll get over it' from you? it was bad before, but it's gotten much worse since you woke back up. is this just me or do you spoon that shit to everyone?

[guylining]

[ Oh, that is...not what he was expecting. ]

the last few months haven't exactly been wonderful

it's been more like a never-ending journey of loss and torture
which i really, really wish was hyperbole

i'm not trying to brush you off, i swear.

[chrisisofaith]

i know the feeling
i don't feel like i've rested in six months and half of it is my own fault.

i don't think you're trying to brush me off, i think you spent years relying on only one person and that's made it harder for you to put your supports elsewhere. especially when some of those supports either might not be fit for one thing or another

or vanish
i'm sorry you've been dealing with so much

[guylining]

everyone here is dealing with the same shit

i don't

i'm not trying to push you away. or anyone else

[chrisisofaith]

i know you're not trying to, love
it's certainly not working

i just think you need more support and chances to break down safely that you're not giving yourself for one reason or another

[guylining]

i'm

well i suppose i'm not used to it anymore

besides, it's all things i'll get over, you know? with enough time
it's just that everything keeps happening all at once and i've barely gotten over one thing before the next happens

that's all

[chrisisofaith]

which is why practicing at accepting help would do you good

we're all going through the same shit, yeah, but that doesn't mean we can't lean on each other. it's infinitely easier to bear someone else's load for a while even while we have our own precisely because it's not ours. there's weight lost in trading them

you just have to trust that the people in your life love you and are strong enough to trade with you, if you don't then there's another issue at work

[guylining]

i do

i mean, i'll try.

i don't want to get rid of the empathy bond, chris

[chrisisofaith]

good

then don't, love
you never had to, i just thought it would make things easier, one less thing to carry, but if it helps you in some way or feels right, then keep it

[guylining]

i can feel his magic in it

it hurts because it's a void but it's a void he should be in

so i can't get rid of it

but i can suppress it, i think. i'm going to ask hope to help
she's done things like it before
i trust her, and i don't think she'll judge me

[chrisisofaith]

alright
i think that sounds like a good idea, a good middle ground to not get rid of it but not let it linger like an open wound either.
i trust your judgement- and i'm glad you've got someone who can help you with it

he's in a lot of things around us. most we don't want to lose now that he's gone.
i fucking hate that bop music he plays
but if i put it on, little thunder dances because he taught her how
sometimes she says things that sound like his cadence

hold onto what you need to so you can heal, whether it's that bond or those plants

[guylining]

they're the only thing of him that's still living here
they feel like him
i have to keep them alive
and i don't need help. magic isn't a pot with a bottom for me, it's everywhere. in me, in the world around me, in the spaces between worlds, in everything. i can draw it, it's like breathing and magic is air
i come from it and it comes from me
i don't need help
but i don't want it either
because this is the only thing i can do to keep him still here, even a little bit, and i need that

i don't want to just hear his music or catch the scent of him on his clothes
it's not enough
i mean, nothing's enough. but keeping the plants alive
it's better.