[ it's a fair question, if one he hasn't thought of an answer to yet, and he chews it over for a moment. they've all got their various tangled little webs of relation ships, granted, but there hasn't really been rings brought into the equation yet. ]
I don't know. What does it mean that I'm contracted to someone else?
[ it's not a retort, it's a genuine question, asked as earnestly at nate's. ]
[ it's always been a line he's been very careful about, when relationships started becoming a thing he actually had a part in instead of just connections he tried to avoid at all costs. that there wasn't any kind of hierarchy.
his hand finds nate's shirt instead, thumbing lightly at the material as he speaks, as much about pulling together his thoughts into something more focused as it is about anything else. if there's ever a time to keep a train of thought on track, it's probably right now. ]
I have a contract with Kyle, I made it permanent, that's like...our thing, in a way. Me and you have this, I wouldn't...share my feelings like this with anyone else. It's only for you. This is just...the thing that's for Oli. I can't live with him, I can't...I don't know, be his magical tether. But I can give him a ring and tell him I'll love him forever. That doesn't make anything else less.
[ Nate's hands come up to his, brushing them gently. After a moment he takes them, and watches Nick. ]
So it isn't...it won't change things, for us.
Even though you're making vows, and all of that.
[ Marriage has always felt like a trap to him. It was a trap, back home. This feels like that too, except that it would be one that shut him out, not kept him locked inside. ]
Do you think I'd ever make a vow that meant I couldn't love you?
[ when he turns his hand to take hold of nate's it's a gentle thing, a loose catch with no demands made about it. nate is free to twist in or out of the hold as he sees fit, but after a moment nick ducks his head, brings himself down to meet nate's hand instead of the other way around. presses his lips to nate's knuckles, and just holds there for a moment. ]
I wouldn't, ever. And he wouldn't ask me to.
[ nick lingers, head bowed, and when he moves it's not to straighten back out again, just to tip his chin up with his face still close to their hands, just enough that he can raise his eyes up to nate. ]
[ Nate makes no move away from him, and instead moves his hand up to his face. It's gentle, resting there, light fingertips brushing his cheekbone. ]
I don't know. Marriage always just seems final to me, and also, you know. Incidentally, pretty monogamous.
[ At least, in theory. In practice it often wasn't. He has a flash of when Xavier had suggested they stay together in secret, get married but still be together and lie about it. Nothing offputs Nate more than that thought.
He lets out a breath, and looks down, following the trail of Nick's lips on his skin. ]
I can't.
[ He takes a breath, looks at Nick. ]
Because I'd ask for what you can't vow. Like, never leave me. Never forget me. And you can't promise those things.
It means whatever we want it to mean. I don't want Oli to the exclusion of all others, he doesn't want that from me. I think, if anyone asked that from me, I'd question whether they even knew me at all.
[ there's been moments where he's worried, that it might be a question he's asked one day, to choose. it's always been a question in the back of his mind, will it happen eventually, will it ever be anything other than a dealbreaker for nick. but he's got unwavering belief that it will never be a choice that oliver will ask him to make.
nate doesn't ask him, but nick breathes out soft against his hand anyway, noses into his palm. ]
I promise that for as long as I have any control at all, I'll never leave you. No matter what we go through, what paths we cross, I'll always be by your side. I promise that I will never stop looking for a way to keep you in my thoughts, even if they try and wipe away every trace of you. I promise that I'll love you forever.
[ it's an easy feeling to sink into, that love he feels that's so intrinsically nate's. his eyes close too and for a moment he just leans in close, listens to the deep breaths, settles his hands on nate's chest and feels them too. ]
I don't know what I believe about this place anymore, but I believe that. I think we'll find a way to each other, Nate.
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I don't know. What does it mean that I'm contracted to someone else?
[ it's not a retort, it's a genuine question, asked as earnestly at nate's. ]
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Contracts are contracts, you've been with Kyle as long as you were with anyone. If you weren't, I would've asked you a long time ago.
But that's not...marriage, though, I mean marriage means vows, and it's lifelong, or at least it's supposed to be, and you marry...
[ Nate sighs. The fact that he's always had issues with marriage in and of itself really doesn't help. ]
You marry the person you love the most. Your soulmate.
[ He looks up at Nick again. His thoughts are a little more aligned more, a little more settled into discomfort. ]
Don't you?
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[ it's always been a line he's been very careful about, when relationships started becoming a thing he actually had a part in instead of just connections he tried to avoid at all costs. that there wasn't any kind of hierarchy.
his hand finds nate's shirt instead, thumbing lightly at the material as he speaks, as much about pulling together his thoughts into something more focused as it is about anything else. if there's ever a time to keep a train of thought on track, it's probably right now. ]
I have a contract with Kyle, I made it permanent, that's like...our thing, in a way. Me and you have this, I wouldn't...share my feelings like this with anyone else. It's only for you. This is just...the thing that's for Oli. I can't live with him, I can't...I don't know, be his magical tether. But I can give him a ring and tell him I'll love him forever. That doesn't make anything else less.
no subject
So it isn't...it won't change things, for us.
Even though you're making vows, and all of that.
[ Marriage has always felt like a trap to him. It was a trap, back home. This feels like that too, except that it would be one that shut him out, not kept him locked inside. ]
no subject
[ when he turns his hand to take hold of nate's it's a gentle thing, a loose catch with no demands made about it. nate is free to twist in or out of the hold as he sees fit, but after a moment nick ducks his head, brings himself down to meet nate's hand instead of the other way around. presses his lips to nate's knuckles, and just holds there for a moment. ]
I wouldn't, ever. And he wouldn't ask me to.
[ nick lingers, head bowed, and when he moves it's not to straighten back out again, just to tip his chin up with his face still close to their hands, just enough that he can raise his eyes up to nate. ]
Ask me for a vow.
no subject
I don't know. Marriage always just seems final to me, and also, you know. Incidentally, pretty monogamous.
[ At least, in theory. In practice it often wasn't. He has a flash of when Xavier had suggested they stay together in secret, get married but still be together and lie about it. Nothing offputs Nate more than that thought.
He lets out a breath, and looks down, following the trail of Nick's lips on his skin. ]
I can't.
[ He takes a breath, looks at Nick. ]
Because I'd ask for what you can't vow. Like, never leave me. Never forget me. And you can't promise those things.
no subject
[ there's been moments where he's worried, that it might be a question he's asked one day, to choose. it's always been a question in the back of his mind, will it happen eventually, will it ever be anything other than a dealbreaker for nick. but he's got unwavering belief that it will never be a choice that oliver will ask him to make.
nate doesn't ask him, but nick breathes out soft against his hand anyway, noses into his palm. ]
I promise that for as long as I have any control at all, I'll never leave you. No matter what we go through, what paths we cross, I'll always be by your side. I promise that I will never stop looking for a way to keep you in my thoughts, even if they try and wipe away every trace of you. I promise that I'll love you forever.
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Not that the words don't help. ]
I love you, [ He says softly, back to him. ] I always will. If I can keep us together forever, I will. If I can stop myself from forgetting you...
I don't want to do anything that risks that. I've been thinking about that since the ship.
[ He closes his eyes and takes a deeper breath. ]
I'm sorry. I am happy for you guys, I'm sorry I freaked out.
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[ it's an easy feeling to sink into, that love he feels that's so intrinsically nate's. his eyes close too and for a moment he just leans in close, listens to the deep breaths, settles his hands on nate's chest and feels them too. ]
I don't know what I believe about this place anymore, but I believe that. I think we'll find a way to each other, Nate.
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He's still afraid. ]
I had to spend years without you.
[ He says it softly, almost a whisper. ]
I couldn't even find my way home, much less...to you. I didn't know to look for you. That seems impossible.
I don't want to lose you, Nick.